Happily Ever or Never After!

| August 1, 2012

At very young ages little girls dream of falling in love, getting married and living happily ever after. We plan our weddings before we have our first boyfriend. We know what kind of car he’ll drive; how he’ll look; and what kind of job he’ll have. Rarely do we focus on how he’ll actually treat us; what kind of father he’ll be; or what kind of marriage we’ll have. Could this be the reason that nearly 47% of black women are still single? Could it be the reason that we have so many women, age 35 and over, that are still single?

If you talk to many females who fit into this category (35 and over, but still single), they will swear it’s because they choose not to have a mate at this time in their lives. They are those independent, self-sufficient feminists that don’t need a man for anything in their lives – yeah right! Despite wearing this independent woman label strong and proud, most will reluctantly admit that a bit of panic sets in when they find themselves at age 30, but still single and with no prospects! I would venture to say that these women aren’t holding out because of their fabulous careers, but they are holding on to the idea of a man that they created when they were little girls. It doesn’t help that society convinces us not to settle.

As we start to evolve from little girls to young women, our expectations sort of change. Not only does Mr. Right have to have a great career, washboard abs, perfect teeth and personal style; but he must also be romantic, so sexy that we want to rip his clothes off every time we see him; and he must work so that we don’t have to, but still spend every waking moment with us, too. It is the women who hold on to these unrealistic expectations that find themselves still single at 30 and 40 years old. The truth of the matter is that a marriage or a relationship headed in that direction, is not based on passion. It is more of a partnership that revolves around running a household together. Trust me when I say that how your man looks when you walk into a room together will not take precedence over paying the bills and raising the children. After all, there are plenty of marriages that have passion, but no long-term stability – sadly enough, those marriages often end in divorce.

Recently, I got the opportunity to interview several women regarding their dating and marital experiences. I was curious to find out why the single women were still single, and how the married women chose their mate. I was equally curious and excited to try and uncover their description of their ideal mates and how that description changed at certain points in their lives.

After speaking with my more seasoned (age 35 and over) married or divorced women, I learned what I already know to be true; and that is that it is important to find a mate who respects you, someone you can laugh with and one who appreciates you. You must be rather strategic when choosing your mate and accept that you have to compromise when it comes to those unrealistic expectations that you initially created. Simply put, you are never going to find the perfect guy! He simply doesn’t exist. If you are truly looking for a soul mate, then you should let your soul do the searching. You might be surprised, yet happy with whom you actually end up with.

Most of the single, never been married ladies, on the other hand, offered a different perspective on the topic. They will swear that it is possible to have it all and they shouldn’t have to settle. My question to them was: “So, how long do you wait?” Most of them vehemently said that they will wait until they find Mr. Right because marriage is too important. They don’t want to spend their lives with someone that they aren’t attracted to because it is important to have passion in a relationship in order for it to last…Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha!!!

These poor women don’t have a clue! What they seem to forget is that the longer they wait, the less enticing they become. You just don’t have the same appeal at age 30, 35 and 40 than you did in your 20’s. Don’t let the Demi Moores and Ashton Kutchers fool you – that’s just TV! As your appeal changes so must your expectations. Once again, a marriage is not based on passion. Can and does passion exist? Sometimes, but it is not the foundation of a solid marriage.

Stay tuned for part two of my article; I sat down with a few women to find out what their thoughts are regarding dating and marriage. I wanted to know why some of them were still single; how their ideals regarding their “perfect man” changed from childhood to woman hood; and why some chose the mates that they have today.

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Kela Price

To read more of Kela's writings, visit her blog at http://www.blendingin.wordpress.com/. Blended Family Soap Opera is a winner of a Brilliant Weblog Award!)

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